After 5 years of modeling for Sports Illustrated, Brooklyn Decker, 22, finally made it to the cover of the swimsuit edition. She says “It’s shocking and a dream come true” and that she’s nervous about the publicity that comes with it. Before appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman, Decker said, “I’ve never been on one! I’m kind of freaking out. I’ve done news shows, but I’ve never done a big talk show.”

To help calm her nerves, we should give her a mild sedative and then take her to my place. To rest. Also, we should surprise her with this sedative. You know, to make sure she doesn’t see it coming. I don’t want to bore you with the scientific details about why this method is best. Just trust me on this one.

Asked if her husband Andy Roddick would be jealous that everyone is going to be whacking it to her real soon, Decker responded: “No. He’s so proud. I think this gives him a one-up in the locker room for the next year or so.”

I hope by “one-up” she doesn’t mean erection. Because that could get real awkward in the locker room.